Leaving a cheater is an intimidating
process. It’s not like you want to blurt out to everyone in your life,
‘Hey, Bob won’t quit cheating on me. Do you know a good divorce
attorney?’ And anyone close to you who knows, like your father, probably
will not give the best advice. Mine would have preferred to steer me
away from the legal system entirely and straight toward the shotgun he
keeps in the front hall closet.
So how do you do it? Here is your step-by-step guide.
1. Do NOT tip your hand. This is the
first rule. It’s so tempting to flounce off to a lawyer and announce it
to your cheater, expecting that boy, they’ll see you really mean it this
time! And half expecting them to do some Hail Mary maneuver to win you
back. Bad move. When you tell your cheater that you’re seeing a lawyer,
all this does is kick them into high gear to hide the evidence, screw
you over financially and get to the biggest pit bull attorney in town
first before you do. They’re probably doing that at the very same time
they are trying to throw you off the trail with ‘remorse’ and ‘needing
time’ and booking trips to the marriage counsellor. Hide the payment to
the attorney as well, by whatever means necessary.
2. Do not think, ‘Oh they would never…’
Oh, they would never ask for full custody. Oh, they would never hide
money. Oh, they would never throw me out of the house. Yes they would.
Anyone who would screw around on you and expose you to STDs and gamble
with the well-being of their children is certainly capable of all sorts
of things. Your cheating spouse is not your friend. These are acts of
aggression and you need to protect yourself accordingly. The best
approach is to treat this like you are severing a business
relationship. Detach. But do not ever for one second think that this
person will treat you fairly because you shared a life together.
3. Gather your evidence. Evidence is
important and your lawyer will know what to do with it. Backup copies of
everything, put them on a flash drive, email stuff to yourself at
another account — store it away safely.
4. Find a good family law attorney. Make
sure they specialize in family law. Look online to find the top
professionals in your area recommended by other attorneys. Hiring a
lawyer is expensive, but you can do some of the work yourself, such as
copying and research. Ask your lawyer how you can help make this
affordable. A good experienced lawyer will usually get you a much better
settlement and will push the process along faster. Remember, your
lawyer is not your therapist. Save your emotions for people who don’t
bill in six minute increments.
5. Move the money. Move half of all cash
and liquid assets into your own account that only you can access. Cut
off all credit cards you have in common. Check your credit report to
look for weird charges. Any money spent on an affair is usually marital
money you can ask for back in a divorce. Also, run a credit report on
your spouse. You can do this free online. You will have to answer some
identifying questions (such as the amount of your last car payment), but
this can unearth a wealth of information, like credit cards you don’t
know about or post office boxes. Usually cheaters have slush funds to
hide the evidence of their cheating. If you don’t want to be an amateur
sleuth on the divorce finances, hire a forensic accountant.
6. Go no contact. How you announce
you’re divorcing is a very personal decision. You might just want your
cheater served at work. Or do it in the therapist’s office. Or if your
cheater is volatile, be very careful and just get out safely. Don’t be
afraid to seek the services of a domestic abuse hotline. Whether you
remain separated but living together (pure hell, don’t do this unless
you absolutely must), or one of you moves out, don’t talk with your
cheater unless it is about kids or finances. Preferably do all this
communication by email so it is documented. It’s easier to be less
emotional this way as well. No contact means less pain. Don’t get sucked
back into their drama. Don’t tell them how you hurt (they don’t care,
and if they act like they care, it’s usually to further manipulate you).
Now is the time for crickets.
7. Stay strong. You’re going to get
wobbly. It’s entirely human. You will doubt that you’re doing the right
thing sometimes. You’ll fear for your children. Stay the course. If your
cheater is sorry, they will do the hard work and be sorry regardless of
what you do. If a cheater tries to derail the divorce, it’s because
they don’t want the consequences for themselves. That isn’t remorse.
It’s self-interest. When you feel weak, it’s good to look at that
evidence again and let the anger fuel you forward. Focus on yourself.
What kind of person do you want to share your life with? What are your
values? Divorce because of infidelity is terribly painful, but it’s also
birthing pains to a new beginning. The pain is finite. Push past it.
There’s a good life here waiting for you.
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