Teju Babyface and Tobi Banjoko at their ‘White’ Wedding
I’m often asked why I like officiating
weddings. Well, I can’t imagine not celebrating wedding ceremonies. And
while it’s not the only thing I do — I also teach, write, consult and
speak — it’s a dimension of my life that gives me life.
Why do I love weddings? The simple
answer is that I love stories. Every couple that comes to me not only
has a story, every couple is a story!
I love listening to the myriad ways in
which people first met, and I especially enjoy having them tell me the
story of what happened after that first meeting — the story of how
they’ve gone about creating a life — oftentimes a life that has
surprised them in terms of where it has taken them.
Why do I love weddings? I love them
because I continually stand in awe of people’s courage and daring and
hope. It’s simply not possible to commit to another person without the
courage, daring and hope that necessarily undergirds all faith and love.
I love weddings because I love looking
at a couple’s guests as they mingle about before the ceremony and then
as they sit in anticipation of the ceremony’s start. I love feeling the
wave of emotion that ripples throughout the gathering.
I look at the guests and I know that
they know how brutally tough and demanding life can be — that not every
day can be as joyful as that day, BUT I see the hope and the excitement
in their eyes.
I love standing in the middle of so much hope.
The painter Vincent Van Gogh believed
that ‘The best way to know life is to love many things.’ I love weddings
because they help me love many things and many people.
In 2012 I met some wonderfully
interesting and interestingly wonderful couples. Here are 10 things
about weddings (in no particular order) that these couples taught,
reminded and showed me.
1. The greatest gift parents can give to their children are the words: ‘This is your wedding, so whatever you want is fine with us’. These generous, selfless words relieve pressure, diffuse tension and let a couple plan from a place of fun and enjoyment.
2. There is no one ‘correct’ way to
celebrate your wedding — the only right way is the way that makes sense
to you. Trust your instincts. Be creative. Be you.
3. A groom needs to do more than just
‘show up.’ I’m suspicious of a bride who doesn’t want input from her
fiancé and I’m disappointed with a groom who is too above it all to have
an opinion. If your wedding is not your shared vision, then I’m really
not sure you can have a shared vision of your life together.
4. No 2-year-old should have to walk
down a long aisle by him or herself with a hundred ‘giants’ looking on,
oohing, ahing, and snapping photos! I’ve seen too many bewildered,
terrified 2-year-olds — let them at least walk with another child who is
a few years older (and WHY would you want to entrust real rings with a
toddler?!)
5. The money you spend on a wedding
coordinator is the best money you’ll spend on your wedding! A
coordinator is there to worry about the details that you, your mother,
or best friend should not have to be concerned about on your wedding
day.
6. I’ve yet to meet a bride who was
myopically obsessed with having the ‘perfect’ day who truly enjoyed the
day or who didn’t turn into a Bridezilla. Your goal is to create a
memory that will cause people to smile five years later. From that goal
perfection will flow. But if you begin with focusing solely on the
perfection, you’ll soon forget what ‘magic’ looks and feels like.
7. You don’t have to believe in God to have a ceremony that is warm, gracious, inviting and that celebrates you as a couple.
8. It is also possible to create a
ceremony that honours different cultures and traditions in a way that
unites rather than divides all present. It is possible to weave varying
traditions in a way that doesn’t create ‘dueling deities’ or
one-upmanship.
9. Your wedding really is a gift to
family and friends — no matter how jaded we can get, we all hunger for
meaning and for something/someone we can place our hope in
10. Lastly, couples that try not to cry
in the ceremony make some very odd faces! I’ve looked at brides and
grooms and thought they were bored or angry or on the verge of having a
seizure. Then, they later explained: ‘I didn’t want to cry so I tried
not to blink.’ You’ve spent so much time, energy, emotion and money on
this moment and then you go ahead and focus on not blinking?! I say, cry
all you want — besides, if the groom cries guests feel like they got
their money’s worth and will slip an extra $50 into the envelope
!Here’s to a new year of wonderful stories
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